Sometimes, I wish I were a different kind of person. I don't know... This is how I see usually see myself... my flaws.
I trust way too easily. Sometimes to the point where other people really just don't want to know anymore, but I still feel like I trust them, so I can talk to them. I care way too much. Some people don't want to be cared for, but I still care. It's so stupid. They don't even want me there but I want to be there. I'm selfish, because I if I really want something, I will try my damn best to get it. I will push for it, I will cry for it, I will beg for it. I'll come up with sneaky plans to try and do whatever I can in my power to get it. I'm selfish, because I expect other people to sacrifice things for me. I expect people to help me whenever I feel like I need help, I expect people to listen to me and side with me when I want to rant. I can make people feel guilty, when they really don't have to. I just feel like they should because it's something I'm missing. Things like - hey, you're still on the same continent as your home town, so don't complain about $400 flights and sitting on an airplane for a couple hours. I've had people tell me they know exactly how I feel... and I dunno. I'm gonna have to say, I doubt that. How many people leave their home country, their friends, their families, to go to university like Full Sail half way across the world... where people are friendly enough to kinda befriend, but then you never spend enough time with to really become good friends. I already know 5 people who have been in my class, and have dropped back a month, or transfered degrees, or just left. How many people have to fly 20 hours to go home for one week over Christmas, and only spend that time at home after being abroad for an entire year. I'm totally surrounded by people most of the time, but it's still kinda lonely, cos there's not a single person at Full Sail who really knows what I'm going through. Everyone's too busy with their own lives to notice other people. The pace is so face, you just gotta keep pushing and pushing and going. You get lost for one second, and you loose your balance and fall back a month. You loose contact with the people who you thought you had befriended. How many times will I see that before I can come to terms with it? I don't know. I was really hoping for a good break, my first summer in the states. But, I don't know. Nothing's going like I thought it would. Disappointments all around. At my classmates, at other people, at myself.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were a different person. If I was less trusting, less open, less willing to give and less eager to recieve from people who I thought I could trust. Maybe if I become less vunerable, I would be stronger.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105I guess I really should stop worrying about everything in life. Maybe that's just the one problem I have. I worry too much. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be shunned or forgotten. I don't want to be hated. And the thing is some people will have theese things against me. I'm a Christian, I will be persecuted. I will be hated and hurt, but I guess that also means that I will never really be alone...
It's still scary though... I guess life, in general, is just scary... and disappointing at times... But it's His will that has to be done, and not mine.
