Disappointment

Sometimes, I wish I were a different kind of person. I don't know... This is how I see usually see myself... my flaws.

I trust way too easily. Sometimes to the point where other people really just don't want to know anymore, but I still feel like I trust them, so I can talk to them. I care way too much. Some people don't want to be cared for, but I still care. It's so stupid. They don't even want me there but I want to be there. I'm selfish, because I if I really want something, I will try my damn best to get it. I will push for it, I will cry for it, I will beg for it. I'll come up with sneaky plans to try and do whatever I can in my power to get it. I'm selfish, because I expect other people to sacrifice things for me. I expect people to help me whenever I feel like I need help, I expect people to listen to me and side with me when I want to rant. I can make people feel guilty, when they really don't have to. I just feel like they should because it's something I'm missing. Things like - hey, you're still on the same continent as your home town, so don't complain about $400 flights and sitting on an airplane for a couple hours. I've had people tell me they know exactly how I feel... and I dunno. I'm gonna have to say, I doubt that. How many people leave their home country, their friends, their families, to go to university like Full Sail half way across the world... where people are friendly enough to kinda befriend, but then you never spend enough time with to really become good friends. I already know 5 people who have been in my class, and have dropped back a month, or transfered degrees, or just left. How many people have to fly 20 hours to go home for one week over Christmas, and only spend that time at home after being abroad for an entire year. I'm totally surrounded by people most of the time, but it's still kinda lonely, cos there's not a single person at Full Sail who really knows what I'm going through. Everyone's too busy with their own lives to notice other people. The pace is so face, you just gotta keep pushing and pushing and going. You get lost for one second, and you loose your balance and fall back a month. You loose contact with the people who you thought you had befriended. How many times will I see that before I can come to terms with it? I don't know. I was really hoping for a good break, my first summer in the states. But, I don't know. Nothing's going like I thought it would. Disappointments all around. At my classmates, at other people, at myself.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were a different person. If I was less trusting, less open, less willing to give and less eager to recieve from people who I thought I could trust. Maybe if I become less vunerable, I would be stronger.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105

I guess I really should stop worrying about everything in life. Maybe that's just the one problem I have. I worry too much. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be shunned or forgotten. I don't want to be hated. And the thing is some people will have theese things against me. I'm a Christian, I will be persecuted. I will be hated and hurt, but I guess that also means that I will never really be alone...

It's still scary though... I guess life, in general, is just scary... and disappointing at times... But it's His will that has to be done, and not mine.

Countdown

Summer's almost here...
Summer's almost here...
Summer's almost here!!!

I'm so looking forward to summer...

Anyway, so my roommate Megan just graduated last week =) Exciting times! People are growing up so fast it's kinda... weird. Megan's graduated, Shannon's getting married, John John and Kristina just graduated from high School, My kid bro's gonna be a senior next year, I'm a college student whaaaaaT? When did everything happen? Sometimes I still feel like a little kid. But right now, I'm so busy with school and work and being independent and being grown up. It's almost like not having time to be a kid, and normally that's probably a good thing but, I'm wondering. Since I'm in the art and entertainment industry, shouldn't I try to be more childlike? Children appreciate the world so much more, and see things in such positive ways. The way their minds work are so much more pure and innocent and sometimes I wish I could be more like that. Even in Christianity, God wants us to love him with a childlike love. To be able to trust Him with a childlike faith and purity. But, after growing up and seeing destruction and war and going through hard times, not being able to trust people and everything, it's so hard to be a kid again.

I miss being a kid.

But anyway, Summer's almost here!!!

What?

I'm so tired.

I've been in Florida for 3 months now, going onto my forth and I never imagined life to be so tiring, so busy and so full of everything unimaginable. I've never argued, loved, hated, the list goes on, so intensely as I do now. I haven't ever cried as much as I have here, nor been so busy, and at other times been so bored. Sometimes I'm absolutely hyper and at other times I'm on the edge of falling asleep... and on rare occasions, I have fallen asleep in class. This is like, me getting extreme bipolar moods, and even more insomnia. Gosh. Life of an international college student, but it's even worse than just a normal international college student, I'm an International Full Sail University student. Now that's intense.

I got on xanga the other night (random, right?) and went back to when I first started blogging on 2003, started reading all my old blogs. It's very entertaining. Didin't realize I was so shallow and so... I dunno, geeky back then. Haha, well I guess I've always been somewhat a geek. I wonder what I'll think of myself when I stumble back accross any old blogs of mine say, in 10 years from now. How different will life be? Where will I be? In America? In Asia? Single, married, working, or not... Taller, fatter, slimmer (I wish) or what? I have so many things I want to do but I can't picture any one single situation I might be in. There's blockage in my brain! The part that I used to use when I was 6, and I wanted to be a superstar, or when I was 8, and I wished I could be a jockey... At 10, imagining what I would be like when I turned 18. Would I be a popular senior? Would I be smarter? Would I have a boyfriend? I'd graduate, and be up on that stage and get that diploma, just like all those other BPS seniors had gotten theirs. My best friend would hug me, and we'd take pictures and hang out. My current boyfriend would be happy for me, and I'd have a picture with him in my graduating dress, whatever that might be. I'd go out with my friends clubbing for the first time, and I'd be allowed to go hang out with everyone. My dreams would all come true, my wishes, all the imagination. What do I have now?

I dare say dreaming can be quite useless. I didn't hang out with all my friends and go clubbing with them. My dress was nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I don't have a picture with my boyfriend in my dress either (not from BPS graduation anyway) and I'm not really that much smarter. I'm just average. I'm no superstar, like I wished when I was 6, and I can't race horses, I'm way too tall for that, and I don't like gambling. I'm not at a normal University, and living in a dorm like everyone else. I don't fit into any sorority or fraternity. I'm not playing any sports here, or in any music group. I'm far away from everything I ever knew, my family, my friends, my home country, the food, the places, the hobbies... I'm far from my boyfriend. But, life, I guess, is pretty good still. I'm in a place where imagination counts, and dreams come true on paper and on my computer screen. Not all dreams, but some of them. I'm somewhere, where people can wear their hearts on their sleaves, and where it's ok to be different. Cos everyone's different. We're all misfits in places where all other 'normal' people would of fitted in. We don't belong to normal colleges, to greek societies and to sport teams. We dye our hair and pierce our bodies in places other than our ears. We're not the ones in front of the camera or on stage, but rather behind the scenes. I often wonder, which is more important? If the world doesn't have people behind the scenes running everything, how can it function? Yet, if we don't have a band and a singer, how can the concert keep running?

Anyway, I'm still so tired...