Change and Brokenness

So I got to Florida yesterday morning - Saturday, 6 am. I was picked up by an old family friend, Auntie Rody - mom and I are staying at her house for the moment. Driving home was weird. I can't really grasp that I'm in Florida, and I still can't really believe that I'll be living here for the next two years of my life. Weird yeah? I've already arrived, and yet I still can't grasp the change that's happening in my life.

I'm not really jet lag - had a nap when I fell into the bed at 11am Florida time, 11pm Bangkok time... slept for two hours or so and got up and went out with mom and people. Shopping, didn't eat lunch... more shopping, dinner, home. Got a new phone number! =) Called Micah =) It's as if I was back in Bangkok, our normal night time long conversations on the phone - only now we're both in America. Weird... very weird...

I went to Calvary Assembly of God Church this morning. Went for the second service at 11.30 which is less formal than the first service. It was really cool. Went in and they had a band playing "Clean Hands", which I haven't heard for a while, and we sang "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) and it was really really good. Pastor George talked about brokenness and the ten tribes of Israel, and perfect unity, and Change.

Change.

Why is this world so broken? Why are people so broken and distant. Why is spiritual wholeness so hard?

Pastor talked about the reunion of Israel and of Judah in Ezekiel 37 15:22 - the joining of two sticks, and joining of two broken pieces that were once whole. Brokenness. Why is it so hard to become one? He talked about Brokenness as "evils trademark on humanity". The inability of being one and whole. John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;" Satan, the thief that steals our perfect unity and disrupts our relationship with God. Then Pastor talked about real harmony in the church -

1 Corinthians 1:10

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."

Perfectly United. How much more perfect can things get? How hard would it be, to get everyone in a family to all agree, in perfect unity? Not to mention a group of friends, or a whole church? God asks us for Perfect Unity, but look at all the brokenness in this world!

This is what Pastor George said: Spiritual Unity (with God), spiritual change is so hard, because is requires us to change as people. Change in all our ways. To be willing to change. To be willing to stop doing the things we like to do, or to do things we don't want to do, to eat things we don't want to eat, to go places we don't want to go. We have to step out of our comfort Zone and allow God to change us into the people he wants us to be.

How hard is that? How hard is it to totally let go of your life and let it be controlled by God? How hard is it, to put your own life, your everything, your relationships, work, your life into God's hands?

In Jeremiah 18, the Bible talks about a potter, making a jar, but the jar didn't turn out the way he wanted it to. So the potter squashed it and started again.

"O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

I think that when life seems to really not work, when life just isn't going the way you want it to go, when life just isn't fair, that's when God, the potter, is squashing us back into that lump of clay and reshaping us for His kingdom. Maybe people stray from God when life goes astray - but I think we're supposed to lean even more heavily on God while he remoulds us. When we fall, we should stand back up with God's help. If we sin, we should repent and God will forgive because God is a just and loving God. He has the power to reshape our lives, if we let him. Can we be willing to let God take our life in His hands?

Back to brokenness,
We talked about how the twelve tribes of Israel split into two separate groups of people - a decision made by one person that effected so many. In 1 Kings 12, the decision made by King Rehoboam, Son of King Solomon of Israel, reflected the unwillingness to change when the people of the tribe asked to be freed from Slavery and for Taxes to be reduced. But Rehoboam wanted all the money and the glory that his father had recieved during his reign. His unwillingness to allow change in the kingdom caused brokenness.

Brokenness.

I believe the unwillingness to change when God asks us to is the cause of Brokenness, the inability to be perfect in unity, with the Church and with God. I really don't like change. I don't like being uncomfortable and new, but change is needed for growth, for development. If nothing ever changed, then how can we become better?

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."

Trust

I think that God has been trying to tell me something lately.

Recently I prayed a prayer to God which said this:

"Lord, search my heart and reveal to me what I need to pray about."

I just realized today that maybe God has been trying to say something to me for a while now. I got this verse from more than one person today (and it was not planned).

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."

I got this verse from someone when I graduated from High School half a year ago. I got it again from someone else during Christmas. And again, today from another 3 different friends. Isn't it funny, how God tries to get our attention, but it takes aages and aages before we realize that this is God speaking? I always felt that God never spoke to me. I've never spoken tongues, or dreamed any cool dreams, and I haven't seen visions. And yet, I have the same verse given to me, time and time again. How can this not be God?

Thanks God.

<3

Caged Bird

Feeling not so ready to fly.

I see a caged bird, in my eyes
Who's not so ready to fly;
But wanting to leave
For another adventure in a foreign land.
This bird, caged and chained for all it's life,
The door is now open, finally allowed to fly.
So why is it scared to fly after all this time?

I'm that caged bird, wanting to go;
Wanting to try something new...
But I'm a caged bird,
Who's not so ready to fly.

Regret

I listened to an online sermon recently that a friend advised me to listen to - the preacher was a guy from an organization called Partner, Relief and Development. It was about 45 minutes long. When he first started talking, it didn't sound like a sermon. He was casual, relaxed, and made lots of jokes. He talked about his past, his hippie life, his parents who lived separately. He talked about himself, drugs, smoking, alcohol. Mess. His life wasn't holy, or very meaningful, he wasn't very well educated. But then he talked about visiting his dad, and he talked about regret. Now, regret wasn't even the main point of his sermon, it was only on a side note. A little something that he had in his mind that he wanted to share. Regret - that little word was what hit me hardest, while I was listening to his sermon. I don't want to live a life of regret. I want to do many things do many places, and try many things. When I was younger, I wasn't a Christian, and I thought - well, I don't want to regret anything in my life, so maybe I should try a little of everything and then choose what I think is the best!! I wanted to try alcohol, I wanted to try a little drugs, I wanted to try cutting, and smoking. On the other hand, I didn't want to get messed up, I wanted to live, I wanted to love, I wanted life. I was lucky that my mother met Christ and brought me to church. Those thoughts more or less began to fade. Life is not about substances, or trying everything so that you can choose what you think is best... Life is about finding true meaning in what you live for. Life should be about Joy and peace, and love. That might sound all hippie-ish, but that's not what I'm talking. I'm talking about a love that loves unconditionally. A joy that never fades, and a peace that is always present, even in times of trouble and danger.

Regret. It's so easy to do what you think is fun or cool... but those moments only last a short while. Regret fills in once the moment fades and again, you're left with nothing. Maybe that's why it's so easy to get addicted to something. You want those moments to last forever, but they wont, not unless you keep doing it, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat. Instant gratification is what humans live for, but everlasting joy and peace and what we want. The world is looking in all the wrong places and believing in all the wrong results. The world is looking for Joy, asa if it can be bought at a 7-11 or a super market.

But in Luke 2:10-11 an Angel said "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

The angel gives us new of great Joy - must we look further? Joy has been given to those who will accept and receive.

I know that if I want to live a life with no regrets, I must accept, receive and believe in that Joy given to us from the Father.

Dreams

I was chatting with an old friend today - he's like a mentor to me in a sense, a teacher, a leader who I always did look up to. I chatted with him today for the first time in a while, and I began to spill out all my worries, my wants, my dreams. All of them, all in one go. I've never done that before. I've never opened myself up in a way that would make me vulnerable. I've always had to be strong for the people around me, but here I was, pouring my heart out to someone who I hadn't talked to for so long.

It's really amazing what hits when you're getting ready to leave a place. It leaves you vulnerable. Leaving familiarity, stepping out into unknown territories. It's like telling a horror story - leaving home, going somewhere new, somewhere I've never been, leaving everything behind. Everything. What will become of me? Will I change? Will I be the same? Will I ever be able to go back to how things used to be?

Dreams. I have so many dreams. So many places I want to go, so many things I want to do. So many people I want to meet, and so many things I want to achieve. Dreams. It's ironic how my dreams are causing me to wake up and open my eyes. The things I see in front of me are not as real as they used to be. I can't just accept things now - I feel that I need to change. But, I hate change! I despise unfamiliarity. I fear it.

Today, I spoke out all my dreams. All the things I want to do, the places I want to go, the things I want to see. I left myself vulnerable. I totally laid everything out in front of someone else. Open, broken, vulnerable, and I was lifted up.

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My dreams, God's plans. I fear God's plans for me, but fear causes me to believe and have faith in what I cannot see. Faith that God knows what my dreams are, faith that God is a good God, and faith that God's plans are the best for me.

Falling

I was thinking today. I suppose I think everyday, but today is exactly the first day of my 10 day countdown to the day that I leave. Only 10 days left in this city. 10 days, before I leave the country in which I was born, in which I grew up, in which I've become a legal adult, in which I have so many memories. This is a place which holds much sentimental value, in which I made most of my memories, my friends, and lifetime decisions. I hate to leave, and yet I'm excited about leaving.

I decided that I am going to dedicate this blog to the two years I'm going to spend abroad. The first time I'll ever be away from home, alone, and for so long. And I pray that these two years will be full of surprises, full of joy and happiness, of laughter and of friendship and love. I pray, that in two years time, I can look back and not regret what I've done, the people I've met, and the things I've learned.

To God be the glory, great things He has done.

I finally fall from this pedestal on which I placed myself, because only now do I open my eyes, wider than they can ever be opened. Only now can I even begin to comprehend what He can do for me if I let Him. I want my life to be a miracle, and I want to be a miracle in other people's lives.