Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling

So I dropped a big candle onto a photo frame today and the glass broke. Is that bad luck? lol. Not like I really believe in that stuff.

I had a thought today I wanted to write down;

I don't pray so that I can believe in God,
I believe in God so that I can pray.

See, one can believe there is a God, and not obey and follow Him. Satan believes in God, but goes against him. What's the use with believing in God, but not obeying him? You can know He exists, but if you do not follow you then you are not His child. Rather, I believe in God, so that I can pray for forgiveness that I know He will give unto me because of his unconditional love and grace, that all of our sin will be washed away.

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Picking up broken pieces

Getting back on my feet
Moving on on on, forward
Standing up a little taller than yesterday
Because all that happened yesterday, all seems so far far away...

lol. Why am I so poetic today? No reason. So! These past two weeks have been extremely challenging. I was pushed to limits and into situations that I had never been in before, and I don't think I ever want to be in again. I dunno. Very challenging, but I guess it all happens for good reasons. I guess, I'm learning lessons that I should of learned earlier. For example - lessons on not procrastinating on projects, and to not take it for granted that something's gonna happen when it might not. Don't let emotions get the best of me when reason and logic are important too, and that I should just let my feelings go when they need to get out. That might sound all oh so emotional and *wow*ish but it really isn't. Just life lessons that need to be learned over and over again, because we all constantly need to be reminded, when we get just a little lazy over another project, when we get tired and frustrated because things aren't going the way we want it to. Life lessons. Valuable lessons.

Yikes, off to bed for me.

Disappointment

Sometimes, I wish I were a different kind of person. I don't know... This is how I see usually see myself... my flaws.

I trust way too easily. Sometimes to the point where other people really just don't want to know anymore, but I still feel like I trust them, so I can talk to them. I care way too much. Some people don't want to be cared for, but I still care. It's so stupid. They don't even want me there but I want to be there. I'm selfish, because I if I really want something, I will try my damn best to get it. I will push for it, I will cry for it, I will beg for it. I'll come up with sneaky plans to try and do whatever I can in my power to get it. I'm selfish, because I expect other people to sacrifice things for me. I expect people to help me whenever I feel like I need help, I expect people to listen to me and side with me when I want to rant. I can make people feel guilty, when they really don't have to. I just feel like they should because it's something I'm missing. Things like - hey, you're still on the same continent as your home town, so don't complain about $400 flights and sitting on an airplane for a couple hours. I've had people tell me they know exactly how I feel... and I dunno. I'm gonna have to say, I doubt that. How many people leave their home country, their friends, their families, to go to university like Full Sail half way across the world... where people are friendly enough to kinda befriend, but then you never spend enough time with to really become good friends. I already know 5 people who have been in my class, and have dropped back a month, or transfered degrees, or just left. How many people have to fly 20 hours to go home for one week over Christmas, and only spend that time at home after being abroad for an entire year. I'm totally surrounded by people most of the time, but it's still kinda lonely, cos there's not a single person at Full Sail who really knows what I'm going through. Everyone's too busy with their own lives to notice other people. The pace is so face, you just gotta keep pushing and pushing and going. You get lost for one second, and you loose your balance and fall back a month. You loose contact with the people who you thought you had befriended. How many times will I see that before I can come to terms with it? I don't know. I was really hoping for a good break, my first summer in the states. But, I don't know. Nothing's going like I thought it would. Disappointments all around. At my classmates, at other people, at myself.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were a different person. If I was less trusting, less open, less willing to give and less eager to recieve from people who I thought I could trust. Maybe if I become less vunerable, I would be stronger.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105

I guess I really should stop worrying about everything in life. Maybe that's just the one problem I have. I worry too much. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be shunned or forgotten. I don't want to be hated. And the thing is some people will have theese things against me. I'm a Christian, I will be persecuted. I will be hated and hurt, but I guess that also means that I will never really be alone...

It's still scary though... I guess life, in general, is just scary... and disappointing at times... But it's His will that has to be done, and not mine.

Countdown

Summer's almost here...
Summer's almost here...
Summer's almost here!!!

I'm so looking forward to summer...

Anyway, so my roommate Megan just graduated last week =) Exciting times! People are growing up so fast it's kinda... weird. Megan's graduated, Shannon's getting married, John John and Kristina just graduated from high School, My kid bro's gonna be a senior next year, I'm a college student whaaaaaT? When did everything happen? Sometimes I still feel like a little kid. But right now, I'm so busy with school and work and being independent and being grown up. It's almost like not having time to be a kid, and normally that's probably a good thing but, I'm wondering. Since I'm in the art and entertainment industry, shouldn't I try to be more childlike? Children appreciate the world so much more, and see things in such positive ways. The way their minds work are so much more pure and innocent and sometimes I wish I could be more like that. Even in Christianity, God wants us to love him with a childlike love. To be able to trust Him with a childlike faith and purity. But, after growing up and seeing destruction and war and going through hard times, not being able to trust people and everything, it's so hard to be a kid again.

I miss being a kid.

But anyway, Summer's almost here!!!

What?

I'm so tired.

I've been in Florida for 3 months now, going onto my forth and I never imagined life to be so tiring, so busy and so full of everything unimaginable. I've never argued, loved, hated, the list goes on, so intensely as I do now. I haven't ever cried as much as I have here, nor been so busy, and at other times been so bored. Sometimes I'm absolutely hyper and at other times I'm on the edge of falling asleep... and on rare occasions, I have fallen asleep in class. This is like, me getting extreme bipolar moods, and even more insomnia. Gosh. Life of an international college student, but it's even worse than just a normal international college student, I'm an International Full Sail University student. Now that's intense.

I got on xanga the other night (random, right?) and went back to when I first started blogging on 2003, started reading all my old blogs. It's very entertaining. Didin't realize I was so shallow and so... I dunno, geeky back then. Haha, well I guess I've always been somewhat a geek. I wonder what I'll think of myself when I stumble back accross any old blogs of mine say, in 10 years from now. How different will life be? Where will I be? In America? In Asia? Single, married, working, or not... Taller, fatter, slimmer (I wish) or what? I have so many things I want to do but I can't picture any one single situation I might be in. There's blockage in my brain! The part that I used to use when I was 6, and I wanted to be a superstar, or when I was 8, and I wished I could be a jockey... At 10, imagining what I would be like when I turned 18. Would I be a popular senior? Would I be smarter? Would I have a boyfriend? I'd graduate, and be up on that stage and get that diploma, just like all those other BPS seniors had gotten theirs. My best friend would hug me, and we'd take pictures and hang out. My current boyfriend would be happy for me, and I'd have a picture with him in my graduating dress, whatever that might be. I'd go out with my friends clubbing for the first time, and I'd be allowed to go hang out with everyone. My dreams would all come true, my wishes, all the imagination. What do I have now?

I dare say dreaming can be quite useless. I didn't hang out with all my friends and go clubbing with them. My dress was nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I don't have a picture with my boyfriend in my dress either (not from BPS graduation anyway) and I'm not really that much smarter. I'm just average. I'm no superstar, like I wished when I was 6, and I can't race horses, I'm way too tall for that, and I don't like gambling. I'm not at a normal University, and living in a dorm like everyone else. I don't fit into any sorority or fraternity. I'm not playing any sports here, or in any music group. I'm far away from everything I ever knew, my family, my friends, my home country, the food, the places, the hobbies... I'm far from my boyfriend. But, life, I guess, is pretty good still. I'm in a place where imagination counts, and dreams come true on paper and on my computer screen. Not all dreams, but some of them. I'm somewhere, where people can wear their hearts on their sleaves, and where it's ok to be different. Cos everyone's different. We're all misfits in places where all other 'normal' people would of fitted in. We don't belong to normal colleges, to greek societies and to sport teams. We dye our hair and pierce our bodies in places other than our ears. We're not the ones in front of the camera or on stage, but rather behind the scenes. I often wonder, which is more important? If the world doesn't have people behind the scenes running everything, how can it function? Yet, if we don't have a band and a singer, how can the concert keep running?

Anyway, I'm still so tired...

Watch it

So I was just reliving something not-so-good that I went though last weekend. What happened was that I had to recreate a logo for class purposes and we had a few choices to pick from. So I made a logo for the London Olympic 2012. What happened was that after I had finished my favorite logo, we had midway critiques. So it gets to mine, and right before we're about to move onto the next person, one classmate expresses that he doesn't like it, because he's seen it before on the internet and sure enough he pulls up a logo on Google that looks like the one I just made. Exactly like mine. What? Seriously, what are the chances that something like that happens? Gotta admit it annoyed the *beep* outta me, and I don't want to be accused of cheating and copying. Who does? Whatever. That's in the past. Last weekend I found out that people had been gossiping about me. My classmates, my friends? I found out the hard way, which was really uncool. It really hurts.

I've always known for gossip to hurt, but this really really hurt me bad. It's sad, when people wont say things upright, especially that we were friends and that we're both grown ups too. Teachers tell kids not to gossip and talk behind other people's backs, yet I think the older we get, the more we tend to 'share news' and 'have concern' for others... Why can't we face the truth and admit that it's gossip? If we have 'concerns' for others, we shouldn't have to hide it, and it shouldn't hurt the person you're worried about.

Right now? I don't know. I don't know the full situation about what happened, who was there, who said what. I don't know anything. I don't know the real intent of whoever started talking about me. I don't know any details, and I don't want to know. But know that next time you say something, be more careful of what's coming out of your mouth. Someone might just get hurt.

xx

Random Utterings

My bike was stolen a bit ago...

Hmm... Reactions? So many. Which one's right? No particular one I suppose. I called the cops for the first time in my life. It was interesting. The officer was nice I suppose, but really, what can I do? Nothing. Locks my doors, make sure my windows are secure. Megan moved her bike upstairs onto our little balcony. We go silent at every little sound, just in case... Just in case...

Life in America is good. Things are expensive, mostly DIYs everywhere. I bought a new bookshelf today. I'll set it up tomorrow and rearrange my room a little. I got new bedsheets too - they were on discount. I went to Albertsons not long ago - again grabbing things I need that are on discount. I got myself a nice box of swis chocolate - discount ;) I love discounts. Oh yes =D

I was at the Fringe Festival this Saturday and last from 1 to 4.30 in the afternoon doing some volunteer work with Kids Fringe. Arts and Crafts tent mostly, hot weather, either no air, or too much of it. Florida's extremely dry at the moment so everyone's praying for rain. Fringe? Hoping for no rain so that all the tents will say up and safe until the Festival is over... Which is in a few days. I love observing people, and what I saw today made me sigh, haha. A little adopted girl named Amy, going through her terrible twos. Grumpy little girl was so cute and sweet, and wanted to sleep. Loved grabbing the crayons. I bet she loves to color. Another little girl, very spoiled, only wanted her way. "My glue!" Little boy, funny laughing kid, who didn't roar back when I roared at his Tiger Face Paint. Shy thing, but very well mannered and very sweet. The Fringe has so many personalities, it's fun. There was a Thai food stall there today too. Actually, there were two. I got Pad Thai from one of them - one plate for $6. Shocking. Oh well. They spoke Thai to me - it was exciting =) I miss home, but Florida is my home now.

xx

Distraction

I currently feel as though I've been totally distracted from life. I've just kinda been living, going to school, going home, doing what I need to do. Don't get me wrong - I love it here. I can be myself, independent, study something I love and just meet all these people and it's amazing. But I still feel as though I'm failing in life somehow. I guess I've just been so busy. I want to please everyone, and it's hard, but it's doable right? I feel like a huge part of me wants something more. More then what I have right now. Is that a lot to ask for? I don't think I should be asking for more, over all the things I have right now but there's something missing and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. Kind of torn apart, because there's a million and one things that I can do but I don't want to do any of them. Hmmm...

Livin'

Living in America so far...

Weird experience. That's all I can really say.
People like to think that living in one country is better than living in another... I don't like to think that way. We have terms like, third-world-countries, the 'undeveloped' countries... and first world, people who have a higher standard of living. Me, I refer to where I live, just World. It's just another country, the people are different, the culture is different, the food is different! There should be no better or worse. Why does it even matter anyway? Apparently I'm from a 'third world country' - so what am I doing in America? If I'm from such a poor poor country *sad face* then how on earth did I get the money and resources to fly all the way to a 'first world country'? Totally blows my mind away haha =P

Anyway, that was just random rant lalala. I haven't written much lately, and it's driving me insane but I'm having a bit of a writers block - mind you, blogging isn't the only thing I write, hance having that writers block isn't the most helpful thing, cos I have an essay due on Thursday and I still haven't finished it =.= But anyway, Spring break was last week so it's kinda sad that it's over. I went to an extra seminar thing at school today and it was about boosting creativity, which was really ironic, because I had a tune rolling through my head and I managed to put words to it and write it down, yet once I got home, I totally forgot what it was. Grrr...

Other than that, Full Sail has officially become a University so it's Full Sail University now!! Yay =D Haha. It's easier than having to ponder on whether Full Sail is called "Full Sail Real World Education" or just "Full Sail" or it could also be written as "Full Sail Inc." which really got me confused at what Full Sail really was... But now it's an officially accredited University =D Yay!! I'm one month into my classes, but each class only lasts for a month so my first two classes (I do two classes a month) will finish by the end of this week... and then I get a new schedule starting next week for the next four weeks!! That's if anyone understood that... I'm actually going to the Museum for my Art History class on Wednesday so that'll be fun =D The school pays for entrance so I guess we can take advantage of that. It'll be interesting =) My next two classes sound really interesting. Digital Storytelling and Design Art Theory. Crazy yeah? I'm looking forward to it.

So I checked out the student FS web and found that there was a group of Christians who met on Sunday evenings, and one of my classmates had gone to it the first week so this past Sunday evening, I went with him and met the bunch. They were super wack. I'm beginning to think that all Senior/college age Christians are wack haha =D It was fun. They were having Movie night so that's what we did, and then after that finished (at 11pm) I hung out with 3 of the guys from there at Stake and Shake. It was good food for not too expensive and a really good and long conversation. Talked about a whole bunch of Controversial Issues into the weee early hours of the morning (around 2.30 am) and then my classmate drove me home. Crazy, but really fun. Haven't really had a conversation like that with anyone ever! And although sometimes our views were different, we still all got along well and had a good time talking, even though those three guys were really loud =.= hahaha =P

Ha... *sigh*

That's it for today cos I still have that essay that I really should work on... even though I keep putting it of... Oh man...

Change and Brokenness

So I got to Florida yesterday morning - Saturday, 6 am. I was picked up by an old family friend, Auntie Rody - mom and I are staying at her house for the moment. Driving home was weird. I can't really grasp that I'm in Florida, and I still can't really believe that I'll be living here for the next two years of my life. Weird yeah? I've already arrived, and yet I still can't grasp the change that's happening in my life.

I'm not really jet lag - had a nap when I fell into the bed at 11am Florida time, 11pm Bangkok time... slept for two hours or so and got up and went out with mom and people. Shopping, didn't eat lunch... more shopping, dinner, home. Got a new phone number! =) Called Micah =) It's as if I was back in Bangkok, our normal night time long conversations on the phone - only now we're both in America. Weird... very weird...

I went to Calvary Assembly of God Church this morning. Went for the second service at 11.30 which is less formal than the first service. It was really cool. Went in and they had a band playing "Clean Hands", which I haven't heard for a while, and we sang "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) and it was really really good. Pastor George talked about brokenness and the ten tribes of Israel, and perfect unity, and Change.

Change.

Why is this world so broken? Why are people so broken and distant. Why is spiritual wholeness so hard?

Pastor talked about the reunion of Israel and of Judah in Ezekiel 37 15:22 - the joining of two sticks, and joining of two broken pieces that were once whole. Brokenness. Why is it so hard to become one? He talked about Brokenness as "evils trademark on humanity". The inability of being one and whole. John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;" Satan, the thief that steals our perfect unity and disrupts our relationship with God. Then Pastor talked about real harmony in the church -

1 Corinthians 1:10

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."

Perfectly United. How much more perfect can things get? How hard would it be, to get everyone in a family to all agree, in perfect unity? Not to mention a group of friends, or a whole church? God asks us for Perfect Unity, but look at all the brokenness in this world!

This is what Pastor George said: Spiritual Unity (with God), spiritual change is so hard, because is requires us to change as people. Change in all our ways. To be willing to change. To be willing to stop doing the things we like to do, or to do things we don't want to do, to eat things we don't want to eat, to go places we don't want to go. We have to step out of our comfort Zone and allow God to change us into the people he wants us to be.

How hard is that? How hard is it to totally let go of your life and let it be controlled by God? How hard is it, to put your own life, your everything, your relationships, work, your life into God's hands?

In Jeremiah 18, the Bible talks about a potter, making a jar, but the jar didn't turn out the way he wanted it to. So the potter squashed it and started again.

"O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

I think that when life seems to really not work, when life just isn't going the way you want it to go, when life just isn't fair, that's when God, the potter, is squashing us back into that lump of clay and reshaping us for His kingdom. Maybe people stray from God when life goes astray - but I think we're supposed to lean even more heavily on God while he remoulds us. When we fall, we should stand back up with God's help. If we sin, we should repent and God will forgive because God is a just and loving God. He has the power to reshape our lives, if we let him. Can we be willing to let God take our life in His hands?

Back to brokenness,
We talked about how the twelve tribes of Israel split into two separate groups of people - a decision made by one person that effected so many. In 1 Kings 12, the decision made by King Rehoboam, Son of King Solomon of Israel, reflected the unwillingness to change when the people of the tribe asked to be freed from Slavery and for Taxes to be reduced. But Rehoboam wanted all the money and the glory that his father had recieved during his reign. His unwillingness to allow change in the kingdom caused brokenness.

Brokenness.

I believe the unwillingness to change when God asks us to is the cause of Brokenness, the inability to be perfect in unity, with the Church and with God. I really don't like change. I don't like being uncomfortable and new, but change is needed for growth, for development. If nothing ever changed, then how can we become better?

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."

Trust

I think that God has been trying to tell me something lately.

Recently I prayed a prayer to God which said this:

"Lord, search my heart and reveal to me what I need to pray about."

I just realized today that maybe God has been trying to say something to me for a while now. I got this verse from more than one person today (and it was not planned).

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."

I got this verse from someone when I graduated from High School half a year ago. I got it again from someone else during Christmas. And again, today from another 3 different friends. Isn't it funny, how God tries to get our attention, but it takes aages and aages before we realize that this is God speaking? I always felt that God never spoke to me. I've never spoken tongues, or dreamed any cool dreams, and I haven't seen visions. And yet, I have the same verse given to me, time and time again. How can this not be God?

Thanks God.

<3

Caged Bird

Feeling not so ready to fly.

I see a caged bird, in my eyes
Who's not so ready to fly;
But wanting to leave
For another adventure in a foreign land.
This bird, caged and chained for all it's life,
The door is now open, finally allowed to fly.
So why is it scared to fly after all this time?

I'm that caged bird, wanting to go;
Wanting to try something new...
But I'm a caged bird,
Who's not so ready to fly.

Regret

I listened to an online sermon recently that a friend advised me to listen to - the preacher was a guy from an organization called Partner, Relief and Development. It was about 45 minutes long. When he first started talking, it didn't sound like a sermon. He was casual, relaxed, and made lots of jokes. He talked about his past, his hippie life, his parents who lived separately. He talked about himself, drugs, smoking, alcohol. Mess. His life wasn't holy, or very meaningful, he wasn't very well educated. But then he talked about visiting his dad, and he talked about regret. Now, regret wasn't even the main point of his sermon, it was only on a side note. A little something that he had in his mind that he wanted to share. Regret - that little word was what hit me hardest, while I was listening to his sermon. I don't want to live a life of regret. I want to do many things do many places, and try many things. When I was younger, I wasn't a Christian, and I thought - well, I don't want to regret anything in my life, so maybe I should try a little of everything and then choose what I think is the best!! I wanted to try alcohol, I wanted to try a little drugs, I wanted to try cutting, and smoking. On the other hand, I didn't want to get messed up, I wanted to live, I wanted to love, I wanted life. I was lucky that my mother met Christ and brought me to church. Those thoughts more or less began to fade. Life is not about substances, or trying everything so that you can choose what you think is best... Life is about finding true meaning in what you live for. Life should be about Joy and peace, and love. That might sound all hippie-ish, but that's not what I'm talking. I'm talking about a love that loves unconditionally. A joy that never fades, and a peace that is always present, even in times of trouble and danger.

Regret. It's so easy to do what you think is fun or cool... but those moments only last a short while. Regret fills in once the moment fades and again, you're left with nothing. Maybe that's why it's so easy to get addicted to something. You want those moments to last forever, but they wont, not unless you keep doing it, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat. Instant gratification is what humans live for, but everlasting joy and peace and what we want. The world is looking in all the wrong places and believing in all the wrong results. The world is looking for Joy, asa if it can be bought at a 7-11 or a super market.

But in Luke 2:10-11 an Angel said "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

The angel gives us new of great Joy - must we look further? Joy has been given to those who will accept and receive.

I know that if I want to live a life with no regrets, I must accept, receive and believe in that Joy given to us from the Father.

Dreams

I was chatting with an old friend today - he's like a mentor to me in a sense, a teacher, a leader who I always did look up to. I chatted with him today for the first time in a while, and I began to spill out all my worries, my wants, my dreams. All of them, all in one go. I've never done that before. I've never opened myself up in a way that would make me vulnerable. I've always had to be strong for the people around me, but here I was, pouring my heart out to someone who I hadn't talked to for so long.

It's really amazing what hits when you're getting ready to leave a place. It leaves you vulnerable. Leaving familiarity, stepping out into unknown territories. It's like telling a horror story - leaving home, going somewhere new, somewhere I've never been, leaving everything behind. Everything. What will become of me? Will I change? Will I be the same? Will I ever be able to go back to how things used to be?

Dreams. I have so many dreams. So many places I want to go, so many things I want to do. So many people I want to meet, and so many things I want to achieve. Dreams. It's ironic how my dreams are causing me to wake up and open my eyes. The things I see in front of me are not as real as they used to be. I can't just accept things now - I feel that I need to change. But, I hate change! I despise unfamiliarity. I fear it.

Today, I spoke out all my dreams. All the things I want to do, the places I want to go, the things I want to see. I left myself vulnerable. I totally laid everything out in front of someone else. Open, broken, vulnerable, and I was lifted up.

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My dreams, God's plans. I fear God's plans for me, but fear causes me to believe and have faith in what I cannot see. Faith that God knows what my dreams are, faith that God is a good God, and faith that God's plans are the best for me.

Falling

I was thinking today. I suppose I think everyday, but today is exactly the first day of my 10 day countdown to the day that I leave. Only 10 days left in this city. 10 days, before I leave the country in which I was born, in which I grew up, in which I've become a legal adult, in which I have so many memories. This is a place which holds much sentimental value, in which I made most of my memories, my friends, and lifetime decisions. I hate to leave, and yet I'm excited about leaving.

I decided that I am going to dedicate this blog to the two years I'm going to spend abroad. The first time I'll ever be away from home, alone, and for so long. And I pray that these two years will be full of surprises, full of joy and happiness, of laughter and of friendship and love. I pray, that in two years time, I can look back and not regret what I've done, the people I've met, and the things I've learned.

To God be the glory, great things He has done.

I finally fall from this pedestal on which I placed myself, because only now do I open my eyes, wider than they can ever be opened. Only now can I even begin to comprehend what He can do for me if I let Him. I want my life to be a miracle, and I want to be a miracle in other people's lives.